Writing is a way in which i look back at myself and try to make sense of everything that happens in my life, it is something that gets me going when i am down. Hence this post.
Over the past week, i have been asked one single question on a daily basis.
"Daa chekka, nee padikunille? "
It all started on a fine day when i said to my parents, "enikku mark kuravaa, improve cheythaal kollaam ennu undu" ;
Amma : "nee kazhinja pravishyam ezhutiya improvement inte result enthayi?"
When she asked that question , i stood quiet for a moment.
Achan : " nee first year ile improvement ezhutiyittu enthaayi, athine patti pinne onnum paranju ketilallo?"
Over the years i have learned that silence is the best answer that we can give to any question. So, I folded my arms and stood in the best possible way i can (heavily thinking of interview with liju philip sir here) and said in the calmest voice possible " achaaa, ithavana njaan nannaayi padicholaam. ente percentage theere kuravaa. Enikku improve cheythe pattu"
Achan said "aah, entengilumakatte.. ninte padithatinte karyathil njangalayittu entengilum mudakku varuthi ennu parayaruthu.."
I was expecting more resistance from my father and mother, but as always they proved once again why they are the world's greatest dad and mom. But i wasn't even close to being a honest son, it is a sad thing that after so much of what my parents had given me ; i had given too little back.
I think i should go back memory lane and recollect my previous improvement experiences.
First Year
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When the first year results were published, i was thankful to all the "muppathi mukkodi" devas that makes up this world. I dreaded that day, i was at home watching some program in tv when my phone delivered the message "Cusat results published". All of a sudden my palms became sweaty like never before. Prior to Engineering, exam results were always something i looked forward to. I kept benchmarks for myself in exam through those periods and held the thought "My only gompetition is me :D". Those were the times when my parents used to swell with pride after seeing their wards report card, and the teacher always used to make an extra comment which made their day. Well times have changed, one of my friend usually says "12th inteyum 10th inteyum mark enthinnaa nokkunne? athu kazhinju.. ithu engineering aanu". As for my friend who scored 94% for his 12th, he has left the memories of the time he had done so well in exams. Yes time changes everyone, even the best of us. All I know is that I still can’t let go of those good old times. Some memories are too addictive, they keep on lingering.
I never figured out how to go about my academics during my first year. IMHO, i think the stuff we are learning aren't that tough. We just have this hyped thing about CUSAT being that difficult and all, But the fact is that if we applied ourselves and prepared reasonably, good marks are there to be taken. But the problem that was with me through the first year and the extended second year and the third year and hopefully fourth year too is that I never APPLIED myself. You see, during my school days when the Unit test comes which are usually 'a walk in the park' with 50 marks max to be scored -- I used to study harder than my University exams . The passion for learning has died.. It doesn't exist at all. I never ever thought in my life that one day i will get bored of learning something. Well Engineering sure awakened my senses, i will call it "LIFE CHANGING" for the simple fact that it can either screw you for the rest of your lives or give you a degree that can give you a job, a marriage proposal, a housing loan and GOD KNOWS WHAT.
Like I said before, i didn’t give much of seriousness to my university exams. I had the pleasure of doing all sorts of weird things along with my faithful friends during exam time. We call it 'EXAM SPECIAL KADI', some of which includes - start studying @ 00:01 on the day of exam , start discussion with friends on trivial things which were never ever thought of before like why US is being too bossy or why Jews are super brilliant etc(has never reached a conclusion:P) , play badminton throughout on the day before exam, watch cricket instead of studying (couple of my friends had to choose between IPL final and university exam ,and they went with IPL) , start reading a new book , play a new game( some of my friends have FIFA mania during this time), watch a new movie (numero uno) , eat more than usual to sleep more than usual (Biriyani form oven fresh is a good start). The list goes on , actually we have more interesting ways for rambling now than before thanks to Facebook and the ever-growing internet.
I remember vaguely someone quoting this somewhere "Engineering for me is a rat race, one which i don't prefer to participate in, but like everyone else i need to survive- for my future, for my parents, and for all my well-wishers. So i like to think of it as a game, a game in which 30 marks internal and 45 marks external for a subject opens up the next level. Anything less than that is a disappointment (playing the same level again and again is too boring :P) , anything more than that is a bonus. And once you completed 45 levels of this game which you have to play even though it sucks- YOU GET A LIFE”. This has in a way become my philosophy over the last 3 years. And so far it had made me survive in some testing times.
(I had gone seriously out of topic.. #happensalways)
So let's head back to my first year improvements. I just had one during that time, it happened to be a subject which i was very much interested in. Hang on, that was in 12th, not in engineering:P. Confession : In my 3 years of engineering, i haven't found a single one which i could say "felt interesting or worth learning". Anyways the subject was EM1, plainly Engineering mathematics. I remember Johnsy miss taking up this in first year, she was well known for the speed with which she covered her topics. I bunked her classes on a massive scale, now bunking is not something you plan for. It happens, just like the flower blossoming, like sun setting and rising - Bunking happens without any prior plans. And in first year :D attendance is a big joke, no teacher takes attendance seriously- If they had taken it seriously as in other sems , i would have been year out then and there itself.
Because of bunking and all other reasons which i don't wish to disclose here, EM1 turned out to be my worst paper of first year. I think i scored the perfect number , a 45( a number which i have become used to these days). Naturally i wanted to change the "Just pass image", need to rectify myself not to prove any point to anyone else, but to prove to myself that i am far better than the score that i had got.
With all these improvements there is one common thing, it is my obsession with past glory that makes me believe a return is indeed possible. Well a return to those high percentages will be like the fox in the story jumping with a spring in its legs and getting those grapes which have lured him so long. It feels good to imagine, but just like the story - it has a sad end. It doesn't happen. I am just a fool who never read the MORAL OF THE STORY.
I haven't still got back to the story of the improvement, i have taken a few twists and turns. I guess every good story would have some twists and turns , but this is just a bad story with many twists and turns :D. So I payed the money and took the heavy "BS GREWAL" to my home to study. On my way to home in a very quiet and lonely Ernakulam passenger i covered nearly half of first module ( i never had a proper note, so it was just grewal and me). It is difficult to study maths by just reading, but that's a skill which i was working on then. The skill never developed further coz that was all that i studied. I took the book home , kept it in a table and left it there till the day i returned back to chengannur. I returned back to chengannur 3 days before exam , now that is enough time to study 4 an exam. After all it's just mugging up rather than trying to understand concepts and go forward. People have said that it is indeed possible to understand concepts and pursue learning in engineering, i don't wish to argue to them -- I JUST NEVER GOT HOLD OF IT. Or there were clearly more better and interesting things to do.
On the first day of reaching at Chengannur which also happens to be the first day @ MH , i came to realise that MH!=STUDY ENVIRONMENT. MH is a beautiful place, it has got the best of the facilities any hostel can offer, it has good rooms with attached bathrooms, great views (FYI, a LH as the front view), a ping pong table, a tv, uninterrupted internet , a hotel downstairs and so on. Still it's not a place where you can sit and study. I have tried at times and failed. L
So, i spent the first day by watching a lot of TV and by immersing myself in deep sleep. The second day i managed to better my TV hours and sleep hours. On the third day i opened 'B.S. GREWAL' and fell asleep. That was it, the sad end to my first year improvement. I never had the guts to go to a university exam and draw the picture of the house and the mountain and the tree which fetched me a consolation prize for drawing in UKG. I have given a thought about it, but certain things in life requires sheer courage and determination(Don’t think even Mountain Dew will help me with this). What if CUSAT sends a xerox copy of my answer sheet to my parents? Even my father who is into drawing won't be impressed.
I recently heard of a guy from his FB status that he wrote Pythagoras theorem in his EM1 improvement exam, i actually doubt that he even managed to do that - coz he put his status as something like this "Pythagorus saved my ass". It is one thing to make a spelling mistake, another to make a weird connection :D. Anyways seeing that status gave some ingenious ideas to me, i could have gone and written all the formulas of integration, differentiation etc. Not that i knows them properly, but i could have just copied it down from the Clark book we are allowed to carry. Somebody once said "We should never waste the paper given by CUSAT, if there are blank pages left and time remaining - START WRITING YOUR REQUEST TO MAKE YOU PASS THIS EXAM CITING REASONS SUCH AS FEVER,SWINE FLU, CHICKEN POX, ANTHRAX etc". What if there are folks among teachers who had done similar things?
This article has grown quite big, it reminds me now of a tree near the house that is trying to spread its branches closer and closer to the house. Well the branches has now reached the living room and it's time to cut it down. So let me end this article abruptly like that tree. It was never meant to make any sense or signify anything. A seed in form of an idea had to grow and it did grow ; but once the growth violates "MAXIMUM TIME TO WASTE IN A DAY RULE", it simply has to be cut down.
That’s all Folks
KS
PS: WISH ME LUCK FOR THE REMAINING TWO EXAMS :)
